Tag Archives: good enough

Being Brave

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In the few weeks that have passed since sticking my head above the parapet and  deciding to share my innermost feelings about myself as a whole, authentic woman, I have been told many times how brave I am being. My feelings vacillate  wildly between pride that I have had the courage to even attempt to foster a nurturing community where I and others can move into all of our glorious, womanly power, and abject terror when the volume of my inner voice is turned up to the max and sneering “Who do you think you are? Who wants to read about the crap that floats around in your head?”

The most interesting thing for me is how these expressions of bravery have reached me; not one has been during a face to face conversation with someone. On a number of occasions, I have met up with a friend who has not even mentioned it to me at the time, and then later messaged me or emailed me to tell me that my writing resonated with them and I am so brave for putting it out there. Some have not even mentioned it at all, yet I know they are following.

Why is it so difficult for many of us to express our true feelings and be real with each other, human to human, in the flesh? One word – vulnerability.

We are conditioned from a very young age to view vulnerability as weakness. Putting ourselves in an emotionally vulnerable position elicits enormous feelings of fear; fear that if other people know our intimate thoughts and feelings then they will no longer like us; fear that we do not deserve to be seen as we are, because what we are is not good enough, and fear that our vulnerability will not be reciprocated and we will be left exposed and hurt. And so we avoid putting ourselves in situations where we might express our true feelings because of the possibility of appearing weak in the presence of another.

But here is the thing – I have made myself vulnerable by speaking my truth in a very public way, and that vulnerability looks like bravery to you. So why one rule for me and another for you? You can bet your boots that if you expressed your vulnerability you would look courageous to others too. Because you would be. It is in the sharing of our vulnerabilities that true connection happens between my heart and yours. Allowing someone to really see you with all your human frailties is the greatest gift you can give, and your reward is a real spiritual connection with an equally flawed soul.

So today, in some small way, have the courage to share your vulnerability with someone. Look someone in the eye and tell them how you really feel about them, or ask for that help you need, or leave a comment here and share your vulnerabilities in a safe space where you will be accepted with love.

Yours in vulnerability,

Claire

Note – since I wrote this, a friend directed me to the work of Brene Brown, an eminent research professor specialising in vulnerability. If this post resonates with you, then check out her blog Ordinary Courage.

“I don’t do fine!”

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A few years ago, my mum was helping me in the kitchen preparing for a party I was throwing. I was having a minor hissy fit, stressing  over how the day would go, at which point my mum tried to reassure me with “It will all be fine“. My immediate reaction was to  snap back “I don’t do fine.”

And back then, I seriously Did Not Do Fine. Fine was not good enough, only perfect would suffice. If perfectionism was an Olympic sport, then I would have been Usain Bolt. You see, I am a recovering perfectionist and my recovery has been slow and somewhat imperfect.

Perfectionism is an irrational belief that everything in life must be done with no deviation from how things are “supposed to be”. No mistakes, no weakness, no failure, no if’s or but’s. There is perfect, or there is worthless; there are no shades of grey. Who makes up the rules as to how things are “supposed to be” is never quite clear, but deviation from them is perilous for the perfectionist.

Perfectionism is an enormous burden, like a lead box filled with heavy wooden masks strapped to your back. You select the appropriate mask for the occasion –  the perfect mummy, the perfect wife, the perfect colleague, the perfect hostess, the perfect daughter, the perfect friend. But the weight of these masks of perfection oppresses your true authentic self to the point where you cannot even remember what lies underneath them.

And even although in your rational mind you understand the futility of chasing the illusion of perfection, still you are compelled, because it is the achievement of the ideal that gives meaning to your life. If only you could meet your own expectations, then you would be good enough.

But of course, you will never be good enough. Because that is the other thing about perfection – it could always have been better. For perfectionists, even perfect is not perfect enough; you could always have done it faster or straighter or with more pizzaz, or standing on your head while spinning plates and playing the ukulele. That voice in your head will never let up and will never be satisfied. The constant striving for the unattainable sucks the joy out of every task and leaves you frustrated and chronically dissatisfied with yourself and your life. Sometimes you don’t even bother trying, because if you can’t do it perfectly then what would be the point?

But what if good enough really could be good enough? What if you are actually human after all? What if you could apply the same standards you apply to everyone else to yourself? Would you recognise yourself anymore? Would hell freeze over? Would those who love you stop doing so?

For me, the first step in getting myself down off my superhuman pedestal was to accept that I had a choice in what I expected of myself. Although it seemed almost automatic and without conscious thought, I was choosing to subject myself to the enormous pressure of perfection. The reasons I was choosing this are deep-seated, but the simple realisation, after many years,  that it was within my power to choose differently was a revelation. So I started to make different choices and view myself through a different lens and guess what – hell didn’t freeze over and my loved ones still love me. It is not easy and I am still a work in progress, but life is lighter and filled with more joy now that perfection is not a full-time preoccupation.

Striving for the perfectly imperfect version of myself.

Claire x

What about you? Are you burdened with the perfectionist gene? How have you overcome your need for perfection? Share your wisdom and comment below.

Image credit – Scottchan